Wednesday, July 18, 2012

In the eye of the beholder

        I want to know what idiot decided that size zero with plastic double D's and bleach blond hair is the only description of beautiful. Why does Hollywood get to tell us what to be attracted to? Who the hell do they think they are?

       It is beyond me why any woman would willingly go under the knife and alter their bodies. There are few exceptions, in my opinion, where plastic surgery should be acceptable. In cases after gastric bypass, or some kind of accident, I think plastic surgery is a great thing. However, I think it is absolutely nuts when these beautiful girls get boob jobs, nose jobs or lipo when they already look FINE. What is worse is that mothers every where are not only allowing it, they are encouraging it. To me, you are basically telling your daughter two things by doing this:

1) You aren't pretty enough for people to like you and people liking you is so important that you should have major surgery to make sure they do!

2) There is only one description of beautiful. Fitting this description is the only way you will ever be worth anything.

      I say to hell with the image of beauty the media wants to shove down our throats. I don't find fake attractive at all. I think real women with stretch marks, rolls, big butts, flat butts, tiny boobs, huge boobs, big noses, thin lips, crooked teeth, scars and any and all things normal, real women have, are BEAUTIFUL. Beauty comes in EVERY shape, size and color imaginable. If God only had one idea of beautiful, we would all look the same.

      Ladies, we have to learn to love ourselves. You only get one body and one shot at life, and life is too short to spend it obsessing about fleeting beauty. We all end up shriveled and "ugly" if we are lucky enough to get old. There is no point in spending thousands of dollars and years of your life trying to obtain the unobtainable.

     Whether you are a size 0 or a size 30 you are a beautiful, sexy woman. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as YOU believe that. There is nothing sexier than a confident woman. These women who carve themselves like thanksgiving turkey don't have confidence. They don't have inner beauty. (and we all know that's the only beauty that counts!) They hate themselves so much that they feel like they have to mutilate the perfectly beautiful bodies they were born with in order to be loved and accepted. Surround your self with people who see you for all that you are, (flaws, imperfections and awesomeness) and love you for every bit of it!

      Stop complaining about insignificant "flaws" in your body! They aren't flaws they are differences. The great thing about differences is that everyone likes something different. While one man my only like skinny girls, another loves curves. The list goes on and on. Whatever it is you don't like about yourself, there is someone out there that loves it. Don't compare yourself to women that had to have surgery to look a certain way and then have the picture airbrushed because she still wasn't "perfect" enough. Love yourself for being real.

      I know that loving ourselves isn't ever easy. I have struggled with my own self image demons. But it is time to stop letting ads, movies, TV shows and crazy people tell us what is beautiful. Find one thing about your self that you love and start there. Learn to love every flaw on your body! It tells a story, it makes you human, and it makes you beautiful!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Make 10 gallons of laundry detergent for 12 bucks!

       I declare Mondays DIY days! Today I want to share with you guys how to make 10 gallons of laundry detergent (that works!) for 12 bucks or less!

Homemade Laundry Detergent

Walmart sells 5 gallon buckets and lids in the hardware department. The bucket is about $2.50 and the lid is an additional dollar. 
Borax, Super Washing Soda and Fels Naptha are all found on the laundry aisle at Walmart and most other grocery stores. The bars are a dollar apiece and the Borax and Washing Soda are apx. 3 dollars a box. 
The essential oils I use are found at Walmart on the aisle where the incense and potpourri are located. These are generally used for simmer pots/oil burners but it works well for scenting your soap and will not harm your clothing. I usually mix lavender and vanilla spice. These bottles are 88 cents apiece.

That brings the total cost initial investment to around 12 dollars.

The next time you make it, all you will need to purchase is the soap bars and your essential oils. You should still have enough Borax and Washing Soda left over for another batch or two. So after the first time, your cost will drop to around 5 dollars give or take! 

·        5 gallon bucket, with lid.
·        Borax
·        Super washing soda (NOT BAKING SODA. IT WILL NOT WORK!)
·        2 bars Fels Naptha
·        I bottle essential oils (optional)

Finely chop your bars of soap. (I cut it into squares and throw it in my food processor to grate.)

Fill a 2-3 quart pot half way with water and dump in your chopped soap. Heat on medium, DO NOT BOIL your soap will make suds and run everywhere! Watch closely and stir off and on until all the soap is completely dissolved. (A few lumps will not hurt it!) Remove from heat.

Fill your bucket half way with cool water. Add 3 cups of borax and 2 cups of washing soda and the entire bottle of oils if you opted for a scented soap. Pour in your melted soap. Use a long handled spoon or spatula and stir well, making sure there are no lumps of borax and it all gets mixed in well. Fill your bucket the rest of the way with water. Stir again. Cover. Let sit over night. (or at least 6 hours)

When your soap is finished it should be about the consistency of Jello.
Stir well to break up. Mix 1 part soap, 1 part water in a container. (I use a old laundry detergent container.) Shake well. Use as you would any other laundry detergent. You have to shake well before you use each time. ENJOY!

This saves my family SO MUCH money! It was costing us about 20 dollars a month for laundry soap, I spend less than that every 6 MONTHS now! A bucket lasts me 2-3 months and I have 4 kids! 

This is something I want to do for you guys every Monday. I am going to be sharing a wide range of DIY projects and cleaning tips! I just love saving money and being self reliant!

If you have any questions please feel free to email me at:

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Mean Girls

            I am not talking about the movie. I am talking about real life "women" who enjoy doing the most horrible, hurtful, ugly things they can think of to someone else for their own personal entertainment. Do not get me wrong, I am completely guilty of making fun of others, and making fun of myself. This can be enjoyable if you and the other person have a mutual understanding that it's all in good fun. I am however, appalled at the levels some people will stoop to try and hurt someone else all because they find it humorous. I am not talking about revenge, or light ribbing. Being deliberately hurtful, pushing as far as you can trying to actually hurt some one's feelings.

          I'm sorry, but when did watching other's suffering become an acceptable pastime?

          Have you ever watched a movie set in medieval times, where someone is about to be beheaded for something stupid and there is a crowd of toothless villagers wearing disgusting rags cheering, cursing and throwing things at the (often innocent) beheadee?

          How about in Salem, if you didn't like someone there in 1692 you could just say you saw her fly and then party it up while she gets burned at the stake, hanged, drowned or beaten to death! 

          I'm sure we've all seen the scene in about 80% of old western movies where an African American or Native American was being hung. Usually it was some stupid reason that all boiled down to racist assholes being racist assholes and using any excuse to treat other human beings like less than themselves.

         Most of us would be outraged if any of these scenarios were to occur in modern times. The trouble is, in essence it is still happening! In each of these past events people persecuted their equals for fun, out of fear or for power. (If not all three!) Sounds to me like they are the "mean girls" of the past.

         I decided to preform a bit of a social experiment last night. I joined an online group notorious for being "mean girls" and bashing others for no apparent reason. With in minutes of membership they called me out in a post titled with my screen name and spend a good two hours bashing me. Honestly I found this all very funny and was making fun of myself right along with them. Right when the taunting was starting to die down, this "woman" who wasn't even really a part of the conversation decided to take it further. Way further. Like crossing over from trolling and into "mean girl" territory. She somehow found posts of mine from other groups from over a year ago, one of which was asking for advice about a very sensitive marital issue (how she even found this I don't know, what a psycho) and posted them up in this group. She titled the post "DH (darling husband) must be tired of her worn out *****!" They all proceeded to have fun with my personal business, which I had posted in groups that are specifically for people seeking marital advice and as I said OVER a year ago! This "woman" did this, not because I attacked her in any way, but simply for the joy it would bring her to make another woman cry. I chose to rise above their bullshit and simply leave the group with out feeding the monster any further. (Don't feed the troll!) I did not comment on these posts or say a single word about it. I know that's what they wanted. These are mothers, most of them in their 30s and 40s. Let me ask you this, if your daughters were treating others this way how would you handle it? Do you honestly think this is acceptable behavior or a good example for your children? I would NEVER allow my children to treat people this way. Nor would I treat someone like that. I don't particularly care what people think of me, but I do care how I make others feel about themselves. I could not personally attack some random person for sport. I do not find that fun or humorous not to mention, I do not want the bad karma, or the guilt on my conscience.

     Lets face facts bitches. If you are a "mean girl" you need to seek psychological help. You are right up there with the other sociopaths that like to torture little animals. You have no conscience or empathy for fellow mankind. Anyone who enjoys watching other human beings (or animals for that matter) suffer (emotionally, physically or otherwise) is EVIL.   If you are so miserable in your own skin that you have to tear others down to find some small semblance of satisfaction in your life, I feel extremely sorry for you. Maybe if you weren't such a hateful, juvenile bitch someone could love you. You really do need help, and I hope you can come down off of your high horse long enough to get the intensive psychotherapy you so desperately need.

Friday, July 13, 2012

I dared to tempt Friday the 13th, and that bitch did nothing!

           I find it insane that even though we are in the 21st century, people still hold onto silly superstitions. (and do not even understand what they mean.) I love to read about where these things got started, and often no one even knows. Why do we keep perpetuating this bullshit? [see: Ignorance: It's an epidemic]  I tried every way I could  think of to tempt fate today, and guess what! NOTHING happened! My plan was to do a Friday the 13th post tonight and either it was going to be horrible, or I was going to be mocking this ridiculous day.

Let the mocking begin!

           I had a great day! I slept SUPER late and woke up feeling pretty good. I posted some funnies on facebook and trolled on cafemom while discovering how much I LOVE the Dresden Dolls most of the afternoon. My computer did not crash. No one dared insult my incredible trolling abilities. No coin operated boys jumped out of the computer and offered to cuddle me for 25 cents, nor did Amanda Palmer try to take me in the bathroom. *squeak*
           At 5:30 this evening my husband and I left the house to pick up my step-daughters. I decided to make things interesting because so far my Friday the 13th had been pretty uneventful. I waited until I was driving through a notorious speed trap and sped up to 80 in a 65. I even passed a cop. No blue lights, no terrible crashes.
           After picking up the children, we went shopping at Big Lots for cereal and they had most of my favorite junk foods for less than half the price of the grocery store. I would call that a SCORE. Bad luck my ass. *crunches her two dollar cool ranch Doritos*
           Before we came home my wonderful husband ran into the grocery store to pick up a couple items I needed to complete dinner. I parked in the fire lane. I did not get towed. No one even looked at me. (Where is a good fire when you need one?)
           As we were leaving the grocery store I noticed the sky over our neighborhood looked BLACK. I LOVE storms so this was not sad news for me at all. The whole way home I kept thinking, OK this is where this day will take a turn for the worse, the power will go out while I am cooking or I will get struck by lightening while I have my hands in the dishwater. Yet another disappointment. It didn't start raining until after I came in from picking some basil and rosemary for my tortellini. I did not burn our dinner or myself. I did not chop my hand off while crushing garlic, dicing tomatoes or chopping herbs. The food turned out wonderfully and our bellies are all full and happy now. The storm was beautiful and over much too quickly for my liking.*sigh*
            I am honestly bored with this day. Wait a min, I wanted something bad to happen, and nothing did. So maybe that was how the evil spirit of Friday the 13th (otherwise known as Jason Voorhees) got me. Had I wanted to have a good day, maybe everything would have turned out horribly. That made sense right? *scratches head*
           OK people, I am living proof that Friday the 13th is all in your head.

           There was an English scientist who did a study comparing car accident rates between Friday the 6th and Friday the 13th. He found that there was a 52% higher instance of emergency room visits resulting from car accidents on the 13th. I do not believe that this proves the 13th is bad luck. This proves that people are idiots. They scare themselves half to death expecting the sky to fall at any second and because they are nervous and unfocused they miscalculate and bad things happen. I think this study is a great look at human psychology. I believe you make your own "luck" bad or good. So next Friday the 13th (September 13, 2013) take a xanex and put it out of your mind and you will be just fine!
           *Interesting fact: 2012 had three Friday the 13ths, and they were exactly 13 weeks apart. Creepy...if you buy into that kind of crap.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Ignorance: It's an epidemic.


  1. Lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.
  2. Lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular: "ignorant of astronomy".
          It has come to my attention that there is an abundance of ignorant people in this world and the Internet gives them a vast playground to share their asinine ideas with other ignorant people. I can not begin to tell you how often I run across a facebook status, forum post or comment that leaves me to wonder how this person is able to function with out a protective helmet, and a team of health care professionals.

          Last night I was trolling the forums on, (Yes TROLLING, I am one of those. I was bored!) when I ran across this post:

          "My daughter is 16 and got some bathsalts for Christmas. They've sat unopened for months until recently. They are opened and used now and I am afraid she might be using them like the guy on TV. It has me fearing for our lives!!!!"

           WOW. Of course the first thing I did was laugh my ass off at this woman's outrageous idiocy. I had to wonder, is this for real? Did this woman write this just to incite an argument and stir things up? Come on, surely no one can really be that stupid! But upon reading the replies I saw lots of women worrying right along with this idiot. I couldn't help myself, so here is my reply:

         ""Bathsalts" is the street name for a synthetic drug that is kind of like a cross between meth and acid. I guess you could hypothetically smoke some Calgon, but I doubt it would do anything but make your mouth taste like soapy flowers. Google something before you make yourselves look stupid people!"

             As a mother I find it absurd that someone would post this in a forum asking for advice before trying to learn about the drug. Had she spent half the time it took her to write that retarded shit typing the word "bath salts" into a search engine, she would have known in under 30 seconds that her daughter is clearly not using actual bath products to get high.

             I see women being extremely ignorant about their bodies and general pregnancy issues all the time. It never fails, every time a friend posts an announcement about being pregnant, or an ultrasound picture where their fetus still looks like an alien-tadpole, some idiot woman will comment asking what the sex is. It takes all the restraint I can muster to not bring to their attention that that baby doesn't yet have genitalia, so nothing short of genetic testing would let us know what the sex is at this point. There are actually people who think pregnancy tests turn blue or pink depending on the sex of the baby. The bathsalts bitch, I can half way understand being unaware, seeing as how this is a new thing. BUT COME ON! How can you be so stupid about your own body and how it works??? It's not rocket science people! Pick up a damn book!

             This is definitely not a problem exclusive to women. I have a friend who's ex husband thought that in order for a woman to get pregnant both parties have to climax at the same time. This "man" had two children already. (and let me just say from what she told me, the idea that he could get anyone to "climax" is absurd) I am sorry, but if you don't know how your junk operates, you have no business using it. (Especially to procreate and make baby ignorant losers like yourself.)

              I think there should be a test before people should be allowed to reproduce. I have created one, and I think it should be distributed and implemented world wide. Immediately, before this disease spreads any further.

Pre-reproduction Test

  1. How does a woman get pregnant? Please describe what happens inside the body. Sex is not a valid answer.

     2.   Your child is 3 years old. How often would he be seen in a shopping cart, wearing only a diaper with a baby bottle full of soda dangling from his mouth?

(If the answer is any more than never, it's an automatic fail.)
     3. What is 2+2?

     4. Please define the word occupation:

     5. With whom do you reside?

  (If the answer is Mom, Dad or any other dependant bullshit, auto fail.)

     6. Can you wipe your own ass? If yes, can you handle your child's shit, puke, pee, snot and blood?

     7.  Are you racist, sexist, sizeist or otherwise prejudice in anyway?

     (against anything but stupidity!)

      8. Do you know how to wash laundry, dishes and do other household chores?

( If your mother still washes your laundry, you fail and so does she!)

       9.  Have you ever been described as lazy?

(If yes please put down your pencil and walk away now. Children are lots of work!)

      10. At what age is your child old enough to be left home alone?

      11. What is an ovary?

      12. Have any of your pets ever starved to death or died from an illness that was left untreated?

      13. If there are 3 apples and you take 2 away, how many apples do you have?

(tricky, tricky!)

      14. Have you or anyone you know been a victim of alien abduction?

(This question is absolutely necessary, as we all know only idiots with beer cans get abducted by aliens.)

      15.  Do you have a criminal record? If yes, how long did it take the police to catch you?

(Recently, there was an idiot who held up a convenience store with a fake gun. His mother came in the store and made him stop it. This retard fails.)

      16. How many books have you read in the last year?

(50 Shades, Twilight and Cosmo do not count.)

      17. What is Wikipedia?

      18. If your glasses get turned upside down will the medicine run out?

( Yes, there are people who actually think that the glasses contain medicine to help them see. My husband works in optics and sees this all the time. Basic physics people.)

      19.  What is the full name of the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in HP books 1-6?

(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. If you have not devoured the greatest work of literary genius in the history of the world, you have no business reproducing! No child should miss out on the Harry Potter BOOKS.)

      20.  Is that your ass, or a hole in the ground?

          I think this test would greatly alleviate the further creation of idiots. What do you think?

          I do not think that people necessarily need to have a bachelors degree to function in society, hell, or even a high school diploma. (I was a high school dropout and obtained a GED in 2008. Now I am a college dropout.) Please just don't be complacent about being ignorant. If you don't know what you are talking about please look it up before you open your mouth and insert your foot. There is too much knowledge available to everyone FOR FREE right at your fingertips to have so many ignorant people walking around. Not taking the time to learn and grow as a person is flat out lazy and you should be ashamed of yourself!

          Do any of you have a horror story to share about the ignorance epidemic? Please comment and share your thoughts, and outrageous stories!

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Let's get real about bad relationships.

            This blog will not be all about bitching, maybe, occasionally, if I feel like it I will post something positive and happy. HOWEVER, the truth is that I am a REALIST. So I must calls 'em as I sees 'em.
            The fact is there seem to be quite a few people in my life that are currently in a relationship with, or are recovering from Douche Bags of an EPIC level. This leads me to believe that it is high time I enlighten the world (OK the 10 of you who actually read my blog) with my opinion on shitty relationships. What makes me qualified to say anything about your relationship? you might ask. I believe being married to one of the largest douche bags in the history of douche bags for almost 7 years, makes me an official member of the dumb bitches who love douche bags club. I am really sick of seeing smart, beautiful, successful women stay in relationships that make them unhappy.  So, here goes:

  1. If the one you love says or does mean and hurtful things to you in anger THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. They may say that they do, however someone who truly understood the meaning of the word would never treat you this way. This is not love it is abuse. That's right ladies, ABUSE. Real love does not hurt. (Unless you count the feeling your heart is so full of love it just might explode.) You deserve to be loved and protected and cherished. Which leads me to my next point:
  2. You DO NOT deserve to be treated badly for any reason. Oh, you forgot to wash his laundry? So you think you deserve to be called a lazy bitch? WRONG. His legs aren't broke (Granted if he says this to you it might not be bad idea to go on ahead and fix that for him!) You went to dinner with a couple girl friends, where home by 10pm and for some reason he was waiting for you at the door to check your phone, sniff you for cologne and call you a fat whore even though he found nothing. Ladies this is a major red flag! An overly jealous person is usually that way because they are both insecure and have a guilty conscience. There is no excuse for this type of behavior. Name calling, blowing up for no reason, crazed jealousy (A little jealousy is normal, shows he's still interested!) , and especially putting their hands on you is not your fault. NO ONE deserves that. If this is happening in your relationship I urge you to please get out while you still can.
  3. Cheaters. Hot topic, most people say once a cheater always a cheater. In most cases I would agree with this statement. There are a few instances in which a relationship can be healed after an affair. However, in most cases this statement is true. My ex husband cheated on me with whatever girl would spread her legs the entire time we were in a relationship. From before we got married, until I found out and left him. He never once felt remorse and decided to stop. If someone cheats on you, usually, they do not love you. And ALWAYS they are not IN love with you. If you have other problems besides an affair, you should probably cut your losses because there is no saving it. Why should you have to work hard to fix something you didn't break? Why should you be with someone who doesn't respect and love you the way you deserve to be loved? [You deserve to be loved in return 100% the way you love that person. You should always get what you give. If that person can not return your love, they are not the right one.]
  4. Here is a term that perfectly describes my next point: "Missionary Dating". This means being with someone to save them. You can not change someone else. Think about how hard it is to change something about your own personality you don't like, now how can you possibly believe you can change someone else? If a person doesn't want to change, nothing you say or do, no matter how "perfect" a partner you are, you can not change them. Do not be "Captain Save A Ho". Don't be with someone you feel sorry for, don't stay with someone who isn't willing to work on themselves and grow as a person, and please never ever settle for someone who is less than what you deserve. If this relationship isn't what you would want for your children/sister/mother/friend then you shouldn't be in it.
  5. On again/Off again. These couples make me crazy. If you are miserable enough to leave a relationship, what makes you think that a few days, weeks or months later it's going to be any different? Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yes, you heard me correctly, if you go back to that douche bag/bitch you are an insane person. The second time, or the 3487493792342th time, it will always be the same. You and this person do not work well in a relationship. Period. No matter how much you love them, you can not make them love you back. And you are too good to waste your time trying to get them to. Please move on, the person who was meant for you is out there waiting. Don't hold them up for this asshole!
  6. Stop making excuses. It doesn't matter what mental disorder, stressful situation or emotional scars this person is dealing with. You deserve better! If this person can not be a good partner while dealing with their issues, they are clearly not ready for a relationship. Love them, I know you can't help it, but step back on go on with your life, and if it was meant to be it will work out when it's supposed to.
  7. Liars are just about as bad as cheaters. If you can't trust a man to tell the truth, you probably can't trust him to keep his snake on a leash. Trust is trust, and once it's been broken it takes YEARS to repair.
  8. Lazy. If you don't work you don't eat. Please ladies please stop supporting these stupid men while they lay up in your house all day and play video games, or cheat on you with their "baby mama". Stay at home moms are different, we work our asses off (I am sure there are plenty of stay at home dads who are great at what they do, I am not addressing you.) Don't let some lazy douche bag leach off of you. He is using you. A man that really is having a hard time finding a job and supporting his woman/family will have extreme guilt over this. Men are hard wired to be providers, (the good ones are anyway) when they love their families and are having a hard time making ends meet they feel like failures. So if a man seems fine with you bringing home the bacon while he lays on the couch eating it, he most likely is just in it for the free ride.
             I do not claim to know everything about relationships, or anything else for that matter. I do know that my horrific first marriage ended and two years later I can say it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I put up with verbal, emotional and slightly physical abuse for 7 years. I made excuses for him because I loved him and I felt like he loved me too. "He can't help it, he has post traumatic stress." OK, so what if he does. He is not capable of loving me as much as I love him. The way I deserve to be loved. Why should I stay in a miserable situation because he is fu*ked up? I am not saying lets all throw in the towel and give up on our marriages. Like I said, I stayed 7 years. I tried marriage counseling, separations, threats, begging, crying, pleading and a long list of other things, to make it better. Nothing worked because he was not willing to make the sacrifices and changes in himself that would have solved our problems. I do not want to see other women go through this. It breaks my heart to see these great women staying in these awful relationships, hurting and never being happy. I want all women to have the lessons I had to learn the hard way. Please stop torturing yourselves. Move on and find someone who will truly make you happier, someone who adds joy to your life instead of stripping you of it. Someone who loves and accepts you for all of who you are. A best friend, a lover, a protector and provider. You DO deserve that. You are beautiful, smart, capable women.

Please feel free to leave your comments.
Who knows someone in one of these relationships?
I am sure we all know at least one person. Share away, I would love to hear what you have to say.

Don't forget to like and share and add me on facebook:!/pages/The-Get-Real-Mom/255386791240194

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Fake Bitches. Who needs em?

             Welcome to the first post by "The Get Real Mom". I am writing this blog to rant, rave and generally share my insanity with the world. If you find my use of swear words, my realism or my unarming wit offensive, feel free to click that little red X in the top right hand corner of your screen. If you don't like what I have to say chances are I don't give a shit, and you're one of the fake bitches I am trying so desperately to out!
             So that being said, my first post is about "Fake Bitches". I can not tell you how many times someone has said to me, "why, you're the realest person I have ever met!" Have you been hanging out with Pinocchio? I guess people feel that way about me because I don't care what people think. I am me and I REFUSE to put on a front for other people. I have tattoos, piercings and I say what I think. (Now that's not to say I am a moral-less, manner-less bitch. I care about people's feelings, just not their opinion of who I am. ) I have 2 young sons, and 2 young step daughters and as most mothers know that means I have to deal with "Fake Bitches" quite frequently where school is concerned. They are everywhere! The teachers, the staff, the PTSO, the other moms. They make it quite obvious that they are appalled by my ability to not give a shit what they think, and to love myself even if I am a tattoo covered fat girl who gave birth a good ten years before any of them. When my son first started school, I tried really hard to make friends with some of the other moms, but I quickly realized I couldn't stand any of them! I have decided that I CAN'T possibly be the only woman in America who has this problem. I have come up with a list to help other mothers spot "Fake Bitches" and how to respond to their passive aggressive, judgey attitudes.

1. A "Fake Bitch" will always greet you in a manner that is WAYYYYY over the top. If there is a smiling, bouncing, perky woman greeting you with a "OH, Susan! How are yewwwww! You look great!" and an awkward, stiff hug. Chances are she is a Fake Bitch.

2. If after this rediculous invasion of personal space and bursting of your eardrums with her shrill nonsense, she proceeds to talk about how busy she has been shuttling little Ethan or Maryann to karate, or soccer or [insert ridiculous, expensive activity her child loathes here] this is pretty much confirmation that you are dealing with a fake bitch. (this happens to me quite frequently and all I can think is "Did I ask about your brat? Do you think you're a better mother than me because you ship your child back and forth between activities like it would kill him to watch a cartoon or play a video game?" I usually end up spacing out and imagining myself punching her in the throat.)

3. They will never, EVER, EVERRRR  share anything personal about their lives. Yes they will talk about their bratty kids and how "AMAZING" they are. They will talk about their husbands and how busy, wonderful, sexy, sweet blah blah blah. They only brag. There is no sharing, no feelings. They seem like chipper, cold, robots. Even their facebook pages will be testaments to their perfect image. This leaves me to wonder, is there even a human in there? Do you have a soul?

4. They are nosey. They gossip. And if you think they aren't being nosey and gossipy about your business as soon as you walk away, you couldn't be more wrong. Good thing I don't give a shit what they think of me. Rule #1 If someone gossips about their other friends, they will gossip about you. DO NOT share your personal business with them. Unless, like me, you could care less. Personally I love to see the look on their overly done up faces when I say something wildly inappropriate. (They were all thinking it, I just said it!)
5. They have an incessant need to be liked. They are obsessed with what people think of how they look, how nice they appear to be, what kind of car they drive, house they live in, kids they have, how white their teeth are, how tall their grass is, and a never ending list of shit the real world could care less about. Who cares if these bitches neurotic bull shit drives them insane? It's the price they pay. The only problem is they expect others to care about this shit as well. Guess what! I don't!
I have found that the best way to combat the craziness is to just be me. They don't know how to handle me! I find it hilarious. The best part is, even if this means I have fewer people to do things with I know that those that I consider my friends, are actually my friends. They have no agenda. I am real, so they see me, the real me. And they still like me. It really helps weed out the drama, and if there is one thing I hate in this world, it's drama!
I hope that my rant has inspired you to be your awesome, crazy little selves, and to avoid the neurotic "Fake Bitches" of the world.
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