Fake Bitches. Who needs em?

             Welcome to the first post by "The Get Real Mom". I am writing this blog to rant, rave and generally share my insanity with the world. If you find my use of swear words, my realism or my unarming wit offensive, feel free to click that little red X in the top right hand corner of your screen. If you don't like what I have to say chances are I don't give a shit, and you're one of the fake bitches I am trying so desperately to out!

             So that being said, my first post is about "Fake Bitches". I can not tell you how many times someone has said to me, "why, you're the realest person I have ever met!" Have you been hanging out with Pinocchio? I guess people feel that way about me because I don't care what people think. I am me and I REFUSE to put on a front for other people. I have tattoos, piercings and I say what I think. (Now that's not to say I am a moral-less, manner-less bitch. I care about people's feelings, just not their opinion of who I am. ) I have 2 young sons, and 2 young step daughters and as most mothers know that means I have to deal with "Fake Bitches" quite frequently where school is concerned. They are everywhere! The teachers, the staff, the PTSO, the other moms. They make it quite obvious that they are appalled by my ability to not give a shit what they think, and to love myself even if I am a tattoo covered fat girl who gave birth a good ten years before any of them. When my son first started school, I tried really hard to make friends with some of the other moms, but I quickly realized I couldn't stand any of them! I have decided that I CAN'T possibly be the only woman in America who has this problem. I have come up with a list to help other mothers spot "Fake Bitches" and how to respond to their passive aggressive, judgey attitudes.

1. A "Fake Bitch" will always greet you in a manner that is WAYYYYY over the top. If there is a smiling, bouncing, perky woman greeting you with a "OH, Susan! How are yewwwww! You look great!" and an awkward, stiff hug. Chances are she is a Fake Bitch.

2. If after this rediculous invasion of personal space and bursting of your eardrums with her shrill nonsense, she proceeds to talk about how busy she has been shuttling little Ethan or Maryann to karate, or soccer or [insert ridiculous, expensive activity her child loathes here] this is pretty much confirmation that you are dealing with a fake bitch. (this happens to me quite frequently and all I can think is "Did I ask about your brat? Do you think you're a better mother than me because you ship your child back and forth between activities like it would kill him to watch a cartoon or play a video game?" I usually end up spacing out and imagining myself punching her in the throat.)

3. They will never, EVER, EVERRRR  share anything personal about their lives. Yes they will talk about their bratty kids and how "AMAZING" they are. They will talk about their husbands and how busy, wonderful, sexy, sweet blah blah blah. They only brag. There is no sharing, no feelings. They seem like chipper, cold, robots. Even their facebook pages will be testaments to their perfect image. This leaves me to wonder, is there even a human in there? Do you have a soul?

4. They are nosey. They gossip. And if you think they aren't being nosey and gossipy about your business as soon as you walk away, you couldn't be more wrong. Good thing I don't give a shit what they think of me. Rule #1 If someone gossips about their other friends, they will gossip about you. DO NOT share your personal business with them. Unless, like me, you could care less. Personally I love to see the look on their overly done up faces when I say something wildly inappropriate. (They were all thinking it, I just said it!)

5. They have an incessant need to be liked. They are obsessed with what people think of how they look, how nice they appear to be, what kind of car they drive, house they live in, kids they have, how white their teeth are, how tall their grass is, and a never ending list of shit the real world could care less about. Who cares if these bitches neurotic bull shit drives them insane? It's the price they pay. The only problem is they expect others to care about this shit as well. Guess what! I don't!

I have found that the best way to combat the craziness is to just be me. They don't know how to handle me! I find it hilarious. The best part is, even if this means I have fewer people to do things with I know that those that I consider my friends, are actually my friends. They have no agenda. I am real, so they see me, the real me. And they still like me. It really helps weed out the drama, and if there is one thing I hate in this world, it's drama!

I hope that my rant has inspired you to be your awesome, crazy little selves, and to avoid the neurotic "Fake Bitches" of the world.

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